SOUL RECOVERY
SOUL RECOVERY
I am writing this blog to share my personal experience with soul recovery or soul retrieval. I have previously heard of the brain’s ability to suppress or block unwanted painful memories originating from traumatic events. I recently learned about soul loss. Soul loss results from a person enduring an intense traumatic situation. A piece of the soul then departs from the physical body in an attempt to protect itself from the abuse. This loss of energy prevents us from living our life to the fullest. Soul recovery is a shamanic method for bringing back those vital parts of ourselves. Soul recovery is essential to healing. In order to be whole and able to operate at our highest level, we may need to recover parts of ourselves that have gone missing. Soul retrieval is a powerful tool to reunite with these lost aspects of self. Please do not attempt soul work unless under the care of a trustworthy, reliable shamanic practitioner. I personally recommend using a shamanic practitioner that is working from their heart space, and that has already applied these techniques for their own personal healing.
The shamanic practitioner (Donna) assigned me to do a soul recovery meditation in preparation for our upcoming session. The primary purpose of this meditation is to locate the lost aspects of self. I started the mediation by merely observing. I said a prayer, quieted my mind, and focused on my breaths. I breathed in deeply, held the breaths for a moment, and then exhaled for the same number of counts. I closed my eyes, gently resting my eyelids. I repeated the same question over and over again: WHERE IS THE REST OF ME?
I was open-minded towards the experience. I allowed the visions, mental images, and memories to come in naturally. I continued to focus on my breath as I relaxed deeper into my subconscious mind. Massive black clouds rushed in, and an intense fear washed over me. I saw a flash of light, a fleeting moment, a glimpse into my own life. I was watching my past as if it were a black and white movie. I looked around and noticed that everything had turned to darkness. I glanced around this room and found a younger version of myself (my soul) curled up in the fetal position, cowering with fear. I felt extreme sadness, depression, anxiety, and anger. This memory replayed in my mind.
I believe that I was around the age of seven. My parents had recently divorced, and I was spending that night at my mother’s condominium. I went to sleep, and I awoke in the middle of the night with a terrible stomach ache. I began crying, as I was experiencing intense pain and discomfort. I called out to my mother. I was seeking comforting, help, and something to alleviate my pain. My mother never came to offer support and instead yelled from her room, telling me to shut up and go back to bed. I got out of my bed and walked towards the loft where her bedroom was. As I approached the base of the ladder, I called up to my mother expressing my discomfort. Once again, I didn’t receive a response. Instead, her boyfriend (that struggled with alcoholism) shouted, “shut the f*ck up and go back to bed.” At that moment I was not only feeling ill, but now extremely emotionally upset, and within reason. I followed his commands, walking back to my bedroom.
I got back into bed, softly crying and whimpering. Shortly afterward, my mother’s boyfriend aggressively burst open my bedroom door and started beating me. He pulled my hair, slapped, scratched, and punched me. I screamed for help, but help never came. At that moment I felt defeated. He finally gave up. The abuse only lasted for moments but felt like hours. I was bruised and bleeding. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning my mother explained to me that she had broken up with her boyfriend because of his behavior the previous night. I was relieved, but after this traumatic experience I wasn’t the same. I built up walls to protect myself against the pain. I became guarded and defensive. I no longer trusted others. I started locking my bedroom door at night. I couldn’t fall asleep without a light on. I didn’t allow other people to get too close. I felt like I always had to protect myself. I realized that monsters don’t always come from under the bed. They come from within your home, and they look normal like me and you. Unfortunately, this man robbed me of my innocence. A child should never have to worry about their safety.
On Friday I met with Donna to begin the process of Soul Retrieval. I shared with Donna my experience from my meditation the night before. Donna asked me if I would like to reunite with this aspect of myself. I told her that there was so much fear relating to the trauma that I had experienced that I was afraid to bring this piece back. She told me I would be bringing the innocence back of that time period. Although I felt slightly nervous, I agreed to attempt the process. Donna said that she would drum while I laid down and meditated, allowing me to revisit my seven-year-old self and bring her back to a safe place. I envisioned this safe place to be a field of flowers, a meadow, with birds and butterflies. I laid on the floor with pillows and blankets. She lit a white candle in the room and placed a rose quartz crystal on my chest. She began to drum and informed me that I had about 15-20 mins. She instructed me to guide my seven-year-old self to the safe place and to convince her to come back and join me in my present life. Not only did Donna drum throughout this meditation but she also was an active participant.
I closed my eyes and went inwards. I went to the room in my mother’s old condominium. I walked in as my present self. The room felt awful, scary, and sad. I walked past my mother’s boyfriend hitting me on the bed. I approached my fragmented soul that was curled up in the corner of the room. I knelt down and asked my seven-year-old self to come with me to a safer place. At first, she was resistant.
She said, “this isn’t fair.” I wiped her tears and swept her hair behind her ear. I said, “ you know what? You’re right this is not fair. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You deserve better than this. Abuse is never okay. He owns the issue. Please consider the source. This is not a reflection of you as a person. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are lovable. I love you. And most importantly you are more than enough. Now please come with me.’’
Just like that I scooped up my younger self and carried her over to the other realm, the safe place I had envisioned in the field of flowers. I sat her down next to a tree. I embraced her for several minutes, and a moment later she was off with the wind. She ran up and down the hills. She stopped and smelled every flower. She jumped up and down with pure joy. She was extremely interested in the birds and wildlife. She chased the butterflies trying to capture them in her palms. She pointed at the birds and kept drawing my attention towards them. I responded, smiling and saying “yes, they’re magical.”
Knowing that we only had a limited amount of time, I tried to redirect her focus. The seven-year-old me didn’t want to talk at all. She had a one-track mind and was only interested in playing. I began to get frustrated with her because she wasn’t listening. I finally interrupted and gently shook her shoulders, explaining the importance of her coming back with me. I ensured her that my life was much different now. I have a beautiful, safe home, and my life is stable. I told her that I practice yoga now and I think she would enjoy it. Despite my efforts to convince her she would not budge. She then turned to me and asked, do you play in your current life? I looked at her confused and responded, “not as often as I should.” She then asked, do you eat ice cream? “Rarely,” I replied.
Our time was running out… I began to bribe the little me. “Look, if you come with me now, you can have all the ice cream your heart desires. I promise to play more. I will get you stuffed animals, and we will watch cartoons.” She was still ambivalent. Finally, I blurted out, “Daddy’s there…come see Daddy.” She finally agreed to come with me. I then saw a door appear with glowing white light and she held my hand crossing over with me into my present life.
I arose from the meditation immediately feeling an energy shift. Donna asked how I was feeling and then began explaining what she perceived during our meditation. She started with “in my dream of your dream.” As an active participant, Donna entered that terrifying room with me and watched me approach my younger self. She observed the younger version of me, noticing my appearance of being thin with shoulder-length hair and bangs. She applauded the quickness of my present-self getting the younger version of me to the safe space. She noted that it was basically instantaneous that I scooped her up and carried her into the meadow. Once in the meadow Donna saw her run wild, smell the flowers, and play with the birds. Donna even witnessed the seven-year-old me spread her wings and fly to the top of a pine tree and rest in an eagle’s nest. As we began to wind down, she saw her come to cross over and rejoin with me in my present life.
The accuracy of Donnas perception was remarkable, especially because she was drumming during the mediation and we were both silent. I was really amazed at the fact that she picked up on what I actually looked like at that age. I was thin and had shoulder-length hair and bangs. I looked quite androgynous, somewhat like a brunette Sia. My Father used to call me Mowgli, after the character from the Jungle Book as we shared an uncanny resemblance.
Afterward, I explained to Donna the frustration I was experiencing when my seven-year-old-self refused to listen to me. It was annoying, yet humorous. It was definitely an authentic experience because this is how I behaved as a child. I was energetic and loved to play outside. I had a hard time staying focused and struggled within the traditional public-school systems. I didn’t understand society’s rigid structure. I’ve always been an independent thinker. I found myself continually questioning “why.” I didn’t understand the purpose of authority figures. I refused to conform and disliked participating in activities that didn’t feel authentic.
In honor of reuniting with my seven-year-old self, I decided to dedicate my weekend to her. On Friday, I indulged in a chocolate peanut butter ice cream sundae. On Saturday, I went to the Maritime Aquarium and watched an adorable documentary about Panda bears. On Sunday, I watched old Nickelodeon tv shows. To honor my seven-year-old self, I will continue balancing work, rest, and play.
As I reflected on this experience, I found that I did not even realize I was still carrying these past burdens in my heart. I wasn’t aware that this traumatic situation was still affecting me. This is why I believe in the importance of prioritizing your own personal healing. Through these healing methods and many others, we can continue to find peace and happiness in our lives. “ Sometimes you don’t realize the weight of something you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release.” -Unknown.
